The Leviathan

The Leviathan is a monstrous creature with a mix of crocodilian and cetacean characteristics that is mentioned several times in the Hebrew Bible. It basically states that the Leviathan is literally the biggest bad-ass on God’s green earth. The Leviathan’s existence is essentially a statement of the power of God. I think that statement would be “Look upon my works ye mighty and piss yourselves.”

According to some later Jewish literature the Leviathan is a widower; After God made the first two such monstrous sea-dragons he decided that letting these critters procreate wouldn’t be such a hot idea, so he killed the female. Yep, that’s right; the Leviathan isn’t just the biggest, meanest ass-kicker on earth; it’s the biggest, meanest ass-kicker on earth and it’s horny (and probably bitter too). Actually, the Tarasque is said to be the result of an apparently desperate pairing between the Leviathan and the Onachus, a creature said to incinerate almost anything it touches (I did say desperate).

Like the Jormungander, the Leviathan is prophesized to meet its final fate at the end of the world. In thise case, at the end times it will be slain by God and used to provide the believers with meat for the most epic buffet in history. Anyone who’s ever seen seen Southern Baptists hitting a Chinese buffet after Sunday services will understand the necessity for such copious amounts of foodstuff.

The Sirrush

The Sirrush (or Musshush) is a creature that appears in bas-relief on the Ishtar Gate of Babylon. It seems the Sirrush was worshipped in as a living-god in the temple of Bel.  The Sirrush suffered a similar fate to that Mikey kid from the Life cereal commercials when Daniel, apparently pissed-off from the lions’ den incident, fed it the Bible-time equivalent of pop-rocks and soda and it burst like a teacup poodle in a 1000 watt microwave (For cripesake, don’t test that last part).

The Tarasque

Today we have another French dragon: the Tarasque.  The Tarasque is often portrayed as an extremely powerful dragon with a turtle shell and a lion- or cat-like head.  It was said to have terrorized the countryside(eating people) until it was confronted by St. Martha.  St. Martha witnessed to the Tarasque and apparently it converted to Christianity.  She then led it to a nearby town to show the people that there was no longer anything to fear.  The townspeople came pouring out of their houses to meet them.  However, to the Tarasque’s disappointment, they weren’t coming to welcome their new reptilian brother in Christ with hugs and handshakes; they came with torches and pitchforks and began to go Rodney King on the now-hapless critter. They wailed on the Tarasque for a while and then it rolled over and died.  Given the seemingly invulnerable nature of the Tarasque, it said that did not succumb to the physical assault on it but rather it may have died from guilt or from the shear amount of hatred that was directed at it.